‘Don’t tell me my baby wasn’t meant to be’

“There was probably something wrong with your baby”, “you could always try again”, “it wasn’t meant to be”.

These are just a sample of the comments Siobhan Gorman experienced when her baby died 16 weeks into her pregnancy.

“It’s not out of malice, I found a lot of people just don’t know what to say,” said the teacher from Abergavenny.

Siobhan, 35, was home alone when she went into labour and gave birth to her baby Archie.

Her experience has left her with both post-traumatic stress disorder and a determination to educate others about the reality of miscarriage, as well as how to support those who experience it.

Warning: Article contains graphic description of miscarriage which some readers may find upsetting.

On 23 January last year, Siobhan began experiencing sickness, pains in her bump and blood loss so went to an emergency gynaecology department.

After a urine test she was told her symptoms were most likely signs an infection and was sent home with antibiotics.

With her partner away in Italy she stayed home to rest but the following evening felt a shooting pain in her bump so intense that it made her drop to the floor.

“And then my waters broke and I ended up giving birth on my bathroom floor alone,” she said.

Unable to reach her phone she tried yelling for her neighbours, but her shouts went unanswered.

All she could do was remain in the bathroom, holding her tiny baby.

“My baby was alive but 16 weeks is too young,” she said through tears.

“I’m holding my baby and I could tell that there was nothing I could do.

“My baby had 10 tiny fingers and toes and eyes and ears and was perfectly formed but was just tiny, the size of a pear.”

She was eventually able to get to her phone and call her mother who was nearby.

“I didn’t even say what happened, I just said ‘you need to get to the house’,” she said.

An ambulance was called for but there was a long wait so her father drove her to the nearest hospital.

“I stood in A&E with my baby in a towel,” she said.

“I was told that my baby had died and my world just changed.”

Siobhan said she was able to find support from charities including Morgan’s Wings and Petals.

She said her school were amazingly supportive and she was able take 16 weeks sick leave.

But she welcomed news that parents who experience a miscarriage before 24 weeks of pregnancy will be entitled to bereavement leave under a planned change to the Employment Rights Bill.

“I wasn’t ill, my baby had died,” she said.

After a six-month wait for a post mortem, which did not provide any answers, they were able to have a funeral.

Birth certificates are not issued for babies born before 24 weeks gestation.

In England, parents who lose a baby before 24 weeks of pregnancy can receive a certificate in recognition of their loss but no equivalent is available in Wales.

This means the only paperwork Siobhan has to show Archie existed is a cremation certificate.

Eighteen months on, Siobhan can’t believe how naïve she was about miscarriage until it happened to her.

“I assumed that you would bleed and you’d be told that there’s no heartbeat, I didn’t even consider the multiple other forms of baby loss that are out there,” she said.

If a baby dies before 24 completed weeks of pregnancy, it is known as a miscarriage but Siobhan prefers the term baby loss to describe what she went through.

“I had a baby and my baby died,” she said.

Jenni Whitmore, 41, from Brynna in Rhondda Cynon Taf, has an 11-year-old daughter and has had three miscarriages.

She also feels uncomfortable about some of the terminology.

“When you’re told that your pregnancy can’t progress anymore, you’re not advised ‘I’m really sorry your baby’s died’, you’re just told your pregnancy is not viable, which yes in medical terms is correct but the terminology used needs improved,” she said.

“We never refer to our miscarriage as a foetus, it’s always ‘our baby’, ‘my daughter’s sibling’.”

Jenni’s first two miscarriages were in October 2018, at six weeks, and in March 2019, at 10 weeks, following fertility treatment.

Her third miscarriage was in February 2023 after becoming pregnant naturally.

She was 13 weeks pregnant when she was told there was no heartbeat and chose to stay at home and let nature take its course.

“It is like going through labour,” she said.

“You’re just left to deal with that at home with the advice to take paracetamol which doesn’t touch it, obviously, and then once it has happened, you physically have to flush that toilet and basically flush what is referred to medically as ‘product’ away.

“But of course, mentally we know that that was our baby… and I don’t think that ever leaves you.”

Like Siobhan, she has also experienced hurtful comments from those around her.

“We were met with comments of ‘at least it was an early loss’ and ‘you can try again’ but we knew it was the end of the road for us, which I think was quite difficult to process,” she said.

How did these comments make her feel?

“It’s anger, just anger,” she said.

“I think it’s just ignorance to be honest.

“From the minute you’ve seen that pregnancy test with the two lines, you’ve prepared your next 10, 20, 30 years. You’ve planned out the rest of your life.”

Other people in her life just stayed away.

“That was quite hard because you just crave that little bit of support,” said.

So what is the right thing to say to someone who has had a miscarriage?

“We had friends that turned up and said nothing but gave us hugs, which was really appreciated,” said Jenni.

“Or for someone to just say ‘this is totally rubbish, I can’t change it for you, but I’m here and if you need anything you know where the phone is’.”

Siobhan said the comment that she found the hardest was: “It wasn’t meant to be.”

“It’s the baby that has made me a mother and I don’t have my child, but I am a mother,” she said.

She said would prefer people simply admitted that they did not know what to say.

Siobhan said seeing other women’s pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties and baby showers on social media had been hard.

“I’m still able to be happy for them, you can have emotions that run alongside each other so you can be happy for somebody else, but still sad for yourself,” she said.

“It’s really hard to see what could have been but it also made me realise what a miracle it is.”

Details of help and support with miscarriage and pregnancy-related issues are available at BBC Action Line