How to Keep a Healthcare Romance Healthy

It is, once again, Valentine’s Day. No pressure! But what is pressure to healthcare workers, right? Still…romantic relationships for people with stressful jobs, overpacked schedules, and endless focus on anything other than date night can be challenging. Chances are, if you’re married to a fellow healthcare professional, they may feel exactly the way you do.

You’re in good company. According to Medscape Physician Lifestyle & Happiness Report 2024, 45% of physicians are married to fellow physicians or healthcare professionals. Relationships in which both partners work in healthcare come with advantages like financial security and a shared understanding of the demands of the medical field. Still, dual-physician households also come with difficulties like packed work schedules and high stress.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we spoke to expert couple therapists and a married couple John and Julie Gottman, co-founders of the Gottman Institute. Here’s what they had to say about how to keep healthcare partnerships healthy.

You have a unique perspective as both couple therapists and married partners. How have you navigated the challenges together?

JULIE: “We’ve been together 39 years, and in the very beginning of our relationship, when we were first creating our theory about relationships and how to help couples, we had huge conflicts that were really, really hard. I was coming from the clinical world, and John was a researcher who hadn’t been in the clinical world in the same way, so I was coming from a different perspective than he was. That yielded very different viewpoints of what couples therapy should look like. We had to kind of duke it out.”

JOHN: “I was pretty arrogant about being a scientist.”

JULIE: “But he was still cute.”

JOHN: “In our particular case, the merging of clinical experience with research experience was necessary.”

JULIE: “Especially in the field of psychology, there has always been a huge abyss between the clinicians and the researchers, and never the twain shall meet. So our relationship became a microcosm of that abyss that we had to bridge. We did so by talking through our reasoning, talking through our experiences, and then slowly learning from one another, both coming off our high horses, and really respecting each other. The most important thing is to give your partner respect for what they are understanding and contributing to what you are trying to cocreate.”

Whether it’s conflicting perspectives or conflicting schedules, what practices do you recommend to help healthcare partners stay connected to one another? 

JOHN: “I think it’s really critical — and this comes from the Sloan Center study that was done at UCLA on dual-career couples — for the couple to make sure that their relationship doesn’t become just a managerial relationship, where all they do when they interact is manage the long to-do list that they have as part of their lives together.

“[It’s important they] actually make some time for play and fun in their relationship and really turn toward one another to make the relationship a priority, and communicate with one another about what they’re going through in their daily lives, what their hopes and wishes and stresses are. There’s a lot of data that shows that if a couple manages external stresses together, it really does enhance the relationship, even if those stresses are outside the relationship.”

JULIE: “As usual, John and I were thinking the same thing. We call it the stress-reducing conversation. And this is something that healthcare professionals or other professionals can have in which each one takes a turn sharing what they’re feeling in terms of stresses outside the relationship.

“What’s really important is for the listener to not try and solve the problem that the other person may bring up, but instead to ask questions in order to understand the internal experience of the person who’s speaking, and then to empathize with the feelings that person may be expressing. Trying to solve the problem when the person speaking hasn’t asked for that can feel condescending, like they are being seen as not smart enough to fix the problem themselves, when what they’re really needing is emotional support. The greatest stress reducer there is, across the board, is not feeling alone with the stress.”

Considering their long and sometimes unorthodox work hours, how would you advise healthcare professionals to make time for dates or just quality time with their partners?

JULIE: “I really think making time for date nights is a crucial healing factor for healthcare professional couples. How do they make time for it? Well, it’s very tough. It may be difficult to carve out time for those dates.

“I like to take a hint from our daughter and son-in-law. She finished medical school last spring and is in medical residency, and they have a little toddler who takes up a lot of time. They created what they call ‘mini dates,’ where somebody could watch their child or be present for the children, and they would take a half an hour–long walk, or an hour sitting at a tea cafe and just having tea, and then coming back. It doesn’t have to be a fancy date that takes a lot of time. Even a short amount of time to touch base with one another can be helpful.”

It can be hard for busy professionals to prioritize their sex lives and find the time and energy to keep their relationships spicy. How would you advise healthcare professionals to keep that element alive and thriving?

JULIE: “We need to plan for intimate dates. For us, sex was rarely spontaneous in those earliest days. We planned what to wear, where we’d end up (whose apartment), who might drive, etc. We needed to make a specific plan for our intimate and hopefully sexual connections. I’ve known couples who’ve rented a hotel room overnight, even if they only used it for a few hours, just to break away from all distractions, have privacy, and find one another again. Romantic getaways are great, too. Maybe plan one a quarter, and no matter how tired you are, go! It will be worth it.”

As experts with decades of experience in couples therapy, how have you seen healthcare professionals’ relationships change over time? 

JULIE: “I think it’s incredibly difficult, and it’s gotten worse and worse and worse over time. Here’s why: Modern healthcare has become corporatized. Corporations have bought up hospitals, medical care practices, and even psychotherapy practices, and have inserted these crazy demands on healthcare providers, like 15 minutes with every patient, and 50 patients a day. It’s incredibly stressful for healthcare professionals, and they bring that stress home. People may try and compensate for the powerlessness they feel in their work life by being overly controlling in their home life.”

If readers were to take one thing away from this conversation, what’s the number-one piece of advice you would give to a couple in healthcare?

JULIE: “Watch out for signs of burnout. Those might include headaches, backaches, sleeplessness or wanting to sleep too much, irritability, depression, social withdrawal, not having the energy to do anything at all, and shutting down, not talking about what their experiences are.

“Burnout is insidious and invasive, and it can really come between partners in the healthcare professions. If you’re seeing signs of that in your partner, bring it up, talk about it, make suggestions as to taking time off to rest and regenerate or even reimagine what your work life should be. Really support one another to heal from that burnout.”

JOHN: “I would say make time for play, fun, adventure, and romance. I think it’s very important to open up the calendar together and select weekends in which you’ll do an overnight trip, even in a bed and breakfast near your home, just to get away. Go, even if you’re tired. Just get in the car and go on that overnight romantic getaway. One thing we really love is our annual honeymoon. We take about two weeks and ask each other three questions: What did you hate about last year, what did you love about last year, and how do you want next year to be different?”

Now that we’ve got some solid advice for couples, do you have any advice for single healthcare professionals who struggle to find time or energy for dating?

JULIE: “Healthcare professionals, especially those working in hospitals, have a lot of opportunities to meet different individuals within the hospital environment. There’s their lunch break. Sit down with somebody who’s sitting alone. If you have a coffee break, don’t take it in a little private space; take it in the cafeteria where there are other people, and sit down for fifteen minutes and have coffee with somebody.

“They are little teeny increments of time, especially for healthcare professionals, but nonetheless they are workable. A lot of people will have little gatherings, they’ll go have pizza together or go have a beer after a shift. Allow yourself to go, even though you’re tired. These are different kinds of interactions than the ones with your patients that have exhausted you. Allow yourself to have a little fun.”