Why sex drive can fall and what to do if it does

Sex is an integral part of many people’s relationships. But for some, a loss of libido is common after life-changing events, such as pregnancy and childbirth, according to the NHS.

Reality TV star and fitness coach Holly Hagan-Blyth says this happened to her after having her son.

“I could have said, ‘listen, if you don’t touch me ever again, I’m not even bothered’ because that’s just how I felt at the time,” she said when co-hosting the CBeebies Parenting Helpline.

Sex and relationship therapist Rachel Gold said mothers often expect to become intimate again after their six-week postnatal check.

“I think that really fools people into believing that this must be the time to have sex again, but it isn’t true.”

Holly said her sex drive dipped after the arrival of her son Alpha-Jax in 2023 and she started to avoid any sort of intimacy.

“Whenever I would give him [her husband Jacob] any type of affection, like a touch or a cuddle, I felt it was going to lead to the full thing, to sex, and I didn’t want that.”

“I started having a negative connotation doing anything towards him.”

Being open with her husband helped, she says.

“As soon as I said, this is how I’m feeling, ‘whenever I’m cuddling you and touching, can we just not make it lead to the next thing? Because it’s just making me not want to do that’, and all of a sudden everything was so much better because that pressure was taken off.”

Her husband Jacob was worried she no longer fancied him.

“I was like, ‘you need to realise this has nothing to do with you. I am feeling this way at the moment, but I don’t think any differently of you.'”

“I don’t really feel like having sex right now, or even maybe in the next few months. This is my issue that I’m going through, and I just need to work through it.”

Holly hopes that couples experiencing the same issues can be more open.

“People do say the relationship changes after having a child, but I don’t think that until you’re in it, you really, truly, realise how much it changes.”

Dr Jennifer Lincoln, a specialist in obstetrics and gynaecology, says there are many reasons why women may not want to have sex after giving birth.

“There’s a lot of healing that happens. It takes about six weeks for the uterus to return to its pre-pregnancy size. Any tears in the vagina or perineum are also healing.”

There are also big hormonal changes for women which can impact their libido.

“Levels of estrogen and progesterone drop drastically. The lower estrogen levels can lead to physical changes like vaginal dryness, which can make sex painful.”

“People usually think menopause is the single most acute shift in hormone levels that a woman will ever experience, but actually the few days surrounding childbirth are.”

It’s not just an issue that affects mothers. CBeebies Parenting Helpline listener Frankie, who had her baby three months ago, said her male partner had gone off sex.

“I hate my body at the moment, and all I want is a bit more attention from my partner, but he just doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I feel stuck.”

Rachel says that men sometimes struggle to be open about their feelings.

“Stepping into fatherhood can bring up all sorts of things in a man… that could be a very big factor putting him off wanting to have sex.”

Fleur Parker, a practitioner from childbirth charity the NCT, says dealing with these emotions is often not seen as a priority for men.

“Talking honestly to your partner about how you’re feeling can really help; do not assume they know what’s happening or what you are thinking.”

• If penetration hurts, say so. If you pretend that everything’s all right when it isn’t, you may start to see sex as unpleasant
• Take it gently, hormonal changes after childbirth may mean couples may need to use a lubricant to help make sex more comfortable
• Make time to relax together. You’re more likely to engage in intimacy when your minds are on each other rather than on other things
• Get help if you need it. If a mother is still experiencing pain when they have their postnatal check, it is important to talk to a local GP

Advice provided by the NHS